Reflections...

Words strung together

2009-05-15T00:06:00.000+05:30

"I sometimes feel like a spectator in my own life. One whose cries would be missed if not there - but whose fading voice hardly influences the run of things. Its as if I have become entangled in the clockwork of a myriad of things that encircle my life - chiming when they want me to and ticking along at other times. It seems so difficult to break free of the old habit of quiet acceptance - which hastily surfaces to drown the instinct that threatens to create a ripple in the placid surface." - Not entirely representative of my life at all times, some words I put there because I felt they stood up and begged me to place them there.

Thoughts penned down at office

2009-04-30T11:45:00.004+05:30

While walking back to my seat after lunch - the tree lined avenue of Passeig de Gracia bedecked at frequent intervals by architectural marvels like Gaudi's masterpieces flash through my mind. The sensation is so strong that for a while I could feel the powerful curtains of the unbroken silence - that used to prevail there- descend upon me. And with this comes a desparate longing to see again with my own eyes and hear again with my own ears the city which my memories keep reminding me about.

Strife

2009-04-26T17:25:00.002+05:30

Happiness which the eyes don't share
Cool river water with a hint of salt
A distracted mind with an uneasy itch
Decisions discoloured by doubt
As a shadow of temporary permanence
Renders a dull shade to the colours around me

Gasping as a drowning man in absence of light
With slow shivering steps as I climb my mountain
(Journeying towards the peak and the sun's rays beyond)
The thought often occur to me
To strike off what is unconquered
And delay not the comfort the light has to offer

Ruminations in Barcelona

2009-04-26T16:22:00.002+05:30

I recently discovered a notebook which I had with me during the time I was in Barcelona last year. It contains a mix of scribbles - some related to the work I had there and some thoughts that occurred to me while I was there. I have put two such writings..

Do I get overwhelmed easily ? And is it always the wrong thing ? But why do I care anymore about whats wrong or right ? Is there any wrong or right really ? Or are they just choosing one among 2 diverging roads.

But the aim is not to get philosophical - the aim is to put on paper - all the experiences that have happened to me during my stay in Barcelona - and how they have enriched me.

It is probably difficult to separate Barcelona from CS ( a beautiful project with a wonderful concept cutting across all parts of the globe). The people I have met here are essentially because of this amazing project.

But I'd still give a lot of credit to Barcelona. Its so different and it has something for everybody. In fact it offers an opportunity to explore all the varied avenues that we might have. From being a favourite party spot to Gaudi (an architect of considerable renown) and his brilliance - to Picasso - to Barca - to the beach - to Barri Gothic and its small confusing alleyways - to the profusion of bars of different variety which are stepped in old world charm and culture - not to forget the broad tree lined avenues and the ubiquitous roller skater or skate boarder.

People out here are blessed with the opportunity to pursue what they want - from intellectual pursuits,......

(The thoughts which were being jotted down while sitting on one of the benches in a tree lined avenue got interrupted when a minor accident took place on the road between a car and a motorcycle)

How broad minded are people really ? Do we really try and define these things - or is it that they tend to have a deeper meaning the more we are exposed to situations that can be classified as putting them under a test.

Maybe its so easy to talk and agree and be enthusiastic about certain things, situations and people in general - but its after you have expressed there emotions - that you feel the need to get back to your sheltered alcove.

So the real test, the real learning is when you have to lose yourself all the time, immerse yourself in living the kind of life you support or advocate.

Maybe I am digressing. This is about me and how I have started to view people who are in the same situation I was a couple of years back when I was traveling through Europe in a different way - from high up my perch as if.Have I become too consumed by the external layers of garments that people tend to wear on them.

How important are the things to me - that make me uncomfortable in her company - when otherwise we can really talk our hearts out.

Have I looked in the mirror lately ? Like looked really deep and stripped myself of all the trappings - to think about the person I have actually become.

Life has given me a lot of blessing of late. Of course I had to overcome my initial inhibitions before I could - so call "win" them. And yet I have not been doing my bit to keep them with me - by my side. I get distracted so easily - that the things which are actually dear to me, which I should nurture - I forget about them.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona and some more of Barcelona

2009-04-12T15:48:00.002+05:30

Watching the movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona felt like a wave of calm soothing water wash over all my distress and anxiety. I chanced upon the movie in the video parlour and the thought of seeing a few glimpses of that memorable city was enough to make me pick it up.

And frankly I wasn't disappointed by my impulse decision. The movie cutting across two Spanish cities captures the essence and spirit of the their life very well. It creates an imagery of the laid back Spanish life that is so real - one can almost touch it.

While the story revolves around a sense of discovering oneself, of fulfillment, of carefree abandon, of love and lust - the backdrop is replete with images of the ecstasy derived out of art, the love of wine and the Spanish guitar and the good living that so much form a part of the life of the Spanish people - and which creates the atmosphere for the protagonists to wander fearless into territories uncharted by their society and its popular held notions.

This is the second movie I saw, the first one being L'auberge espagnole, which talks about the city of Barcelona making a lasting impact on the lives of people who live there for some time. I couldn't agree more having emerged much more surer and aware of myself after having spent a small part of my life there.

But I got so caught up talking about Barcelona that I completely left out in the cold the thought I had started with. Immersed as most of us are by our work - yet for me I have never felt that the work is a part of me - it always feels like I am swimming against a strong current as opposed to floating in a peaceful stream. I think any thoughts, any memories and any imaginations that we have about this calm, serene water transports us to a place where our mind, our heart and our conscious can't follow with its tough, unanswerable questions.

With the "Room with a View" as trigger

2008-11-13T00:31:00.002+05:30

The first few moments after one puts down a book - are really wonderful. It is then that in the space of a few moments one concisely understands and appreciates the sum total of the author's philosophy and message - that he has perceived. A thought occured to me while I endeavored to document the same - after having finished, nay expreienced, "A Room with a View" - it would be such a wonderful practice to preserve these thoughts after finishing every book - at least every book that leads us to spend a raptured few moments in awe of all the book represents to us.

As I write this - another thought flashes to my mind. Would it not be so much nicer if we are able to write down our adventures and exploits of life everyday, to chronicle it, so that as we flip through the past, it might often offer us clues to things that have us "muddled up" - because as written by the very great E.M Forster "Life is easy to chronicle but bewildering to practice".

Lest we stray - back to the book and our thoughts on the same. While reading it I came across a few pithy phrases - which at first instinct I was tempted to forget and read on - but when I spent some thought and time turning it around it yielded a lot of meaning. One such phrase that has stuck to my mind is "Both youth and love matter intellectually"

But what is the centre point of Forster's novel ? That there is glory in truth ? In today's world when you are bombarded by messages to the contrary - this statement needs some more thought. Or can we say that there is glory in truth - because in accepting that, we are being truthful to ourselves - allowing the parched lips of our soul to experience the feel of the cool waters of the oasis.

It sometimes gets so difficult to even be aware of what we truly want or feel - covered as it remains over the many layers of self deceit, indolence and convenience with which we face the world at large - and are actually appreciated for doing just that - the tinkling of the high necked wine glasses raised in toast of this continued deception so often comfort us.

But what does Forster talk about ? he talks about the protagonist Lucy who having glimpsed at what lies at the depths of heart still chooses to ignore it. She chooses to escape from it into the arms of solitary numbness rather than rebuilt her entire life. Rather than go and proclaim to the world and more important her loved ones, that till now all the choices she had made were wrong, that all along she had not been following her true desire but was guided by much more convenient socially acceptable choices that floated on top of the ocean of her sometimes "muddled" sometimes resigned and often uncomprehending mind.

Another interesting point that Forster makes about musicians really drew my interest. He says that if musicians were able to in real life talk, behave and analyse matters with the same wiseness and feeling with which they journey through their notes and tones - then it would be as enthralling to talk to them as it is to experience their performance. At the same time with the maturing of Lucy he shows her able to nit just render the music flawlessly but also imbue it with a character and thought of the composer that has seeped into it.

A different world

2007-09-21T19:50:00.002+05:30

The melody of the falling rain
Its chatter and its pitter patter
And its soft murmur with the verdant surrounding
Drowns out all that we see
Closes the windows to the world around
Yet opens our eyes to a new world
Which our memory constructs with a free reign

The rains let up, a hush follows
And oh so soft a silence befalls our ears
A bliss one experiences
Like the just satiated weary Saharan nomad

The drops of water clinging to the rails
Shaking and trembling and about to relent
To the ever so immutable laws of gravity
So does our imaginary world dissolve away
As the sky clears up and the sun shines through

But it leaves behind impressions
Deep and indelible
Like footprints on wet soil
And acts as a balm to my soul
Replenishing all that’s expended
In the wear and tear of the daily grind

Life. A bird’s eye view

2007-09-21T19:50:00.001+05:30

The higher you want to climb
The more you miss whats behind
The man in the elevated position
With misty eyes looks upon the city
And the envious city stares back
Turning its back in mad fury
Only to let time play its cruel trick
And make it yearn for all it would leave behind.

A cycle is it all that it is
A mere extended version of what we studied
About the restless atoms and their bouncing back and forth
A quest for meaningless existence
Pleasure to be derived from the motion
And reason there be none at all.

O life and its miserable ways
To squeeze the life out of him
That departs on an honest search
Only to bedeck the misguided sails
With luxuriant fulfilling mirages

The time flies by

2007-09-21T19:49:00.001+05:30

Like a river it flows
Rapidly overt the joyous experiences
When life offers no hindrances
And even our ill conceived schemes fall in place
When around every corner we encounter serendipity
Those moments of ecstasy
Those feelings of exhilaration
Melt away so quickly into the disappearing horizon
Yet slothful; it becomes- almost to a stand still
When the days are painful and the hours so long
As it labours over the rocks, boulders and thorns
And slinkingly forces itself by the dregs and shallows of human doing
Yet flow it must as inexorably as the world must go round
And the time flows by by and bye

The buoy

2007-09-21T19:47:00.000+05:30

Astray she slides away
Away from the familiar coastline
And into the welcoming arms
Of the distant blue horizon

The currents of insults, injuries and slights
Having weakened the anchors of her world
Goes she to the unbounded unknown
In search of new pains

With slow heaving motion
And her back towards her ties
She begins her lonely search
For new bountiful shores

Resolved though she is
To wither away in obscurity
But never to tread those waters
That she's leaving behind in her wake

2007-06-30T16:22:00.000+05:30

Prime of life

O to fly like the bird
Feel the free wind in my face
To escape the clutches of routine
To experience the unique pleasures
How I wish I could
Make best of my prime of life

To stop the compromise at every step
And finish the search for my flame
Who would fuel me to distant shores
To explore and experience
My heart’s desires
To excite the brain
To live a free life
And to be able to live it
How I wish I could
Make best of my prime of life

Life as it should be

2007-05-03T10:56:00.000+05:30

Ask not what good but ask why
Think not of baser joys but of ecstasy derived
Climb not the slopes of the steep but ever so populous mountains
Which promise the conqueror a venerated place,
But traverse the desolate and dusty road
Meandering away treacherous and unending into times ahead
If so the heart desireth

Live life not to emulate history
Though safe a goal it may be
Be not afraid to defy old gravitation
And take a leap to reach the stars,
To wrestle for yourself what you glimpsed
In the midst of an impossible dream

Early Morning Ruminations

2007-04-30T15:43:00.000+05:30

Soul full of energy boileth over
Sprung from new found freedom
With habit the same becomes
The backwaters of our unbounded energy

O initiative such a wondrous thing
Splendid to behold when pristine
But oh so often when called for
Fritters away as if a mirage

In the autumn of this rare break
Awarded by life for toils undertaken
Awash my soul O Lord with the gushing fountain of ideas
And restore in me the zeal to see them through to contentment

What an evening, after having refrained to visit one of the watering holes of Calcutta produced...

2007-03-18T14:50:00.000+05:30

Thoughts take me back to Paris. Whenever I hear the voice in Beethoven’s Ave Maria- the voice soaring above , fills up my mind, my thoughts and in this occasion reminded me of Paris. And prompted me to write. How nice it always feels to write , as if I can in my own way reproduce the harmony in sound that the music of Mozart, Beethoven and Chopin have.

What a wonderful city. So many of civilizations thrown together, although mostly those which have had their origins from Europe. There is this thing about old civilizations, the way their culture and arts are developed, its like old wine gets better with age. And how well I can experience and feel this, lived as I have in Gurgaon , a recently developed concrete jungle near Delhi- but unfortunately just that and nothing more and the stark contrast I feel when I come to Calcutta for my short holidays. Oh the people in Calcutta can live and express and give full energy and do full justice to the creative energies that remain bottled in all of us.

Thoughts had taken me back to the nearest metro station, Cite Universitaire, from our residence in Paris and I remembered the time when we had gone for our ballet. Two Russians and an Indian spend and evening in Paris and are mesmerized by the rendition of Coppellia, the sheer fluidity of the three main characters. Never have I seen a male form dance with such elegance and flexibility , swaying so wonderfully to the tunes of the orchestra in the well in front of the stage.

I had the good fortune to see a few cities in Europe and I must say that none of them have the air of mysticism an air of promise arising out of the atmosphere pregnant with beauty as if nature had decreed it to be the way it is that Paris has. Everything seems to be so much in synchronism with each other, the tree lined pathway in fall near the Sacre Couer in Montmarte leading down, with a row of Victorian street lamps running down the middle – oh so prefect that it would seem as if it were the gateway to heaven.

If I ever felt regret then it was when while reading the fictionalized biography of Michelangelo by Irving Stone and why I didn’t read it before going to Europe. He describes the fever which overcomes Michelangelo when he is sculpting. He is at one with the rock, acknowledges it to be the master and is so often guided by pure instinct and the closeness he feels with the rock and his work to again and again carve out for the world statue after statue , not only real like- nay it would be an insult to describe his work in such a manner , but so pregnant with the message conveyed by the expressions he had carved in it.

It also struck me that what Michelangelo experienced and gave full expression, to full freedom to, this God given fury to create , to carve, and how his oneness with the rock and with his piece had similarities with what Robert Pirsig had so tellingly argued about in his book a good three centuries afterwards. To be able to capture this meeting of the heart and mind , such that they were no longer different entities tearing one apart in opposing directions, but the one and same, shaping and cutting and chiseling and overcoming minor hitches on the way and designing without even stopping to think as if , even before he strikes the hammer at a place he knows how to do it, as if he is seeing the entire thing before him, no as if he is living in this well conceive dream of his where things are sighted and righted before they go awry.

The last few days have been rather lackluster. It seems that doing nothing is no longer good enough. Engaged as I have been the week gone by in spending time with my family whom I very rarely see, playing around with my sweet, cherubic ,angel like niece, so full of energy and innocent wants and desires, so easy to make her happy, she’ll flash you her full smile, her eyes dancing with joy and yet all this doesn’t satisfy me. There’s that feeling of something missing.

Spending the evening with the classical music flowing behind you, unobtrusive when you want it to be yet all calming and serene, collecting your thoughts and writing and experiencing those moments those bursts of inspiration when even before you have thought about what you want to write your mind or maybe some other force races ahead and forces your fingers to give meaning, bring to life all that you wish to convey in ways so simple yet poignant. These are the moments I fully give of myself what is best in me, nothing is held back and the joy derived is out of the creation and it is ever so long lasting. Reading a few of my own writings often serve to cheer me up and reenergize and revitalize me when life has had one of her victories over me.

Its so funny that we conceptualize life in the female form. Come to think of it all things which have about them- fate for instance- a shroud of mystery ,a twinge of excitement ,of forbidden promises, yet one can never be sure. The oasis may magically transform itself, that which we dive in may turn into a bed of thorns and we fortunes fools land hard , to be battered and bruised and pick our selves up for the next leap into an oasis which hopefully doesn’t dry out before we fall. Sustained throughout all this by a hope of things perfect just as a solitary straw symbolizes for the dying man ladder to a heaven on earth.

My feelings while listening to an assorted collections of Mozart, Beethoven and Chopin
How wonderful it is to create something, to give something to the world that enraptures and thrills, holds spellbound and transports generations after generations from the dreary everyday existence to a world more heroic, more beautiful.
Offers those few moments of bliss in the various war ravaged agony ridden hunger struck parts of the world.

Adieu Paris

2006-12-23T05:41:00.000+05:30

So finally its come. The joy ride has ended. My stay in Paris will come to an end very very soon. Just another 16 hours left. Then I will leave this soil. Hopefully not for forever.
As it happens the last day also happened to coincide with my birthday.Anyway more of that later. So what do I have to say about Paris. Parting words perhaps. All I can say is that it is almost unreal. If you are a romantic at heart or even if you have an iota of it, the city will pounce upon it, seize it with all force and bring it out.You just can't help being cast in a spell. The city is just too beautiful. You will have hardly recoverd from one breathtaking sight that you will find a dozen others competing for your attention. Waiting to captivate you and thrill you and amaze you and fill you with a wonder that you will never experience. From Montmarte to Sacre Couer, from Place de La Concorde to Champs de Elysees, from the Ile de Cite to Place Chatelet, from ..I just feel like reeling out name after name after name. Its every street almost, its every nook and corner , every whisper, every shout ,in a language strange at first but increasingly familiar and understandable now, every song you hear and the varied music that floats into your ears from the caribbean to the red indian,the life it has and yet the space it gives you,from maddening frenzy to a quiet calm all existing and interingling to create for me and for all people that ever set foot on it, memories to cherish for a lifetime and a longing to return.

---Wrenched from the heart of one of your most humble admirors

Divine intervention...??

2006-12-06T22:01:00.000+05:30

Well here's another one. That too in the space of a few hours. I hope the past month of inactivity proves to be the calm before the storm.

There is a church very near our college that I had never seen before. I decided to visit it today. It was very beautiful with its twin spires very beautifully adorned with various sculptures. I sometimes wonder that these days as I walk past such beautiful monuments bulidings they no longer strike the awe , excite the child like delight that it used to . Will be missing these sights once I get back home, with nothing remanining but cherished memories and pictures to serve as testaments.
Anyway I'll talk a bit more about myself in this post so please don't say at the end of it that you weren't pre warned. I entered the church and as I was just walking around , my mind half registering the beauty that I was beholding and half of it lay absent minded elsewhere I was struck by a thought. As you would have been able to make out from my previous post I was in certain amount of angst and confusion. What I am going to write now is actually quite personal but well what the hell.

I realized that the root of the problem that was bothering was the fact that I was not very comfortable with myself. I had accepted myself but was not happy about the state of affairs. The reason for this has a lot to do with my past history which I'll skip. So maybe this goal I was chasing was so important for me because if attained it would help me be different and so more comfortable and thus more happy. But thats not the way it works does it. Would I be more happy because I would be more acceptable to myself. But happiness stems from being contented with what you are and not what you have/achieved/won over. This thought also helped me analyse my past behaviour quite a bit and find the subconscious reason behind my doing so many things.

I don't know if it was finally this realization or whether it was the silence of the church that enveloped me but I felt a strange calm within me. So how does one derive the courage to be oneself ,that too at times when doing what you want to would lead to ridicule,censure or is in simple words equivalent to choosing the more difficult path. I would say that one needs to be very open not just with himself but also with the world around him/her about the way he/she is. That may lead to raised eyebrows,lead to mock laughter but in the end its the best thing to do.

Finally coming to the topic of my post. Where did this idea come from. There was certainly no logical link or rational way of explaining its origins. So maybe it was instinct or rather I would like to term it as "quality" (for those who are perplexed it comes from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance") or maybe it was divine intervention. It could be either.But sometimes we have such high expectations from the Almighty that we fail to perceive the little things He sends our way.

A bit confused...

2006-12-06T18:26:00.000+05:30

Why the long absence from writing ? Specially when it is something that gives me so much pleasure to do, which I must confess very few things gives me these day. Have I been in the search of something so intensely that I have forgotten to live my own life. Unable to derive the little pleasures out of things that I used to . Sometimes I wonder why I could not be in a more carefree state especially since I am in Paris and well I don't see myself coming back here every year. And more importantly is there a real reason for my preoccupied state or has it been coloured by my own compulsion driven imagination.
I don't have answers to any of these questions but I do realize now that is better to live rather than put your life on hold. But what about hope then and is it really possible to "live" with the absence of hope. Do the two have to be exclusive or can they coexist. Somethings in life are worth pursuing but what happens when you are in pursuit, don't you become single minded , adorn an attitude which suggests that you are not too be bothered by other seemingly petty things. However what happens if it turns out to be a mirage. Its worth pursuing anyway isn't it. But the question I want to pose is ,is it possible to keep a balanced approach while you are consumed by the end you want to achieve. Ofcourse the irony is that the best things in life will never come within your reach no matter how much effort you put in. A lot will depend on ...shall I just describe the millions of other things that need to conspire ,as luck for the sake of brevity.
So what does one do. I guess the best answer that most of you will be thinking of is well follow your instinct. But it is often difficult to recognize your instinct specially when you are tearing yourself to pieces deciding which is the bettre recourse : the devil or the deep sea. I can keep on rambling but do need to make a confession . Writing this , trying to put in words what was going on within me was very releiving, not because its a means of talking about it (which I have already done with a few people) but because its was also a way of expressing myself. Or maybe I just missed writing.

Paris ...after London..

2006-10-21T21:55:00.000+05:30

Just came back from London. Great city ,imposing,flashy with a touch of history. And yes let me add very very expensive. I felt that even after living in Paris for the last month. Thnaks to the instructions given to by my mother and with the help of a guide book, a rather comprehensive one too I must say, I was able to find cover most of the sites properly. That included a one and half hour visit to Madam Tussaud'd which cost the pocket 25 pounds. To top that my camera batteries decided that they had had enough of my clicking frenzy while I was still still in the room containing statues of contemporary stars. Because of which pictures with Sean Connery, Humphrey Bogart and Marilyn Manson to mention a few were not had.

Covering a city alone is a mixed blessing. You have the freedom to do what you want when you want (which includes spending 1.5 pounds on a ridiculously small piece of Japanese confectionary at Picaddily). In my defense it seemed rather exotic and well what the hell I just felt like it. At times you do feel a bit lonely and boredom sets in. So I was quite glad when the day dawned when I was going to bid adieu to London. My idea of coming by the old route, bus and then ferry across the English Channel and then bus again proved to be one of the best decisions I have taked recently. The journey across the sea was awesome. Standing on the deck with two shots of brandy inside me , it did not serve the purpose by the way, with the very strong and rather chilly winds blowing into my face it felt good. All around as far as the horizon all you could see was the deep blue of the sea. What might have seemed like a curse to castaways might well be a boon in today's world. Then you also had these birds flying around, my very very preliminary research suggests they might have been albatross, or rather floating around. Yes for their will were totally superseded by that of the billowing winds. I observed how sometimes when they wanted to go forward they were forced to take a much more complex and torturous routes because of the prevailing winds. I wouldn't have minded switching places with them for sometime. Floating around at the mercy of the winds with a fast swelling sea beneath you and a menacing sky above . Nothing and nobody else around you. Anyway I am fantasising. Before I go on the white hills of Dover also deserve a mention because of their pristine beauty.

I felt quite happy to have landed in Calais , which was the port in France where the ship docked. When the bus reached Paris I was really excited to see familiar surroundings and to hear the alien yet now strangely familiar language. But after coming back to Indiahouse ,where we stay, I realized that familiar though things are they are not always better. The daily schedule with its routiness and bit of other things too were enough to very quickly bring me back to earth. Its actually a bit amusing that when I had started writing this post it was most of what I mentioned in the previous line that provoked me out of my laziness, but how easily I tend to wander around. As reccomended by a lot of my friends I must know how to make my point quickly.

The power of beauty...

2006-10-04T20:56:00.000+05:30

I went to a church today. It was very near the pantheon, another rather famous monument of Paris. It was the church of Saint Genevieve. It was I don't really know how to describe it serene , beautiful , as if once you walk in through the portals you are transported to another world. For me it was "the Europe" I had envisaged in my dreams. I was totally enraptured by it. The silence was so very overpowering. Yes I know I had never thought I would describe silence like this.But then in this case you gave yourselves up too willingly. I wanted to remember its beauty , its every detail , the awe that it had struck me with and take it back to share with my close ones. But the camera is such a futile device. I also felt a bit weird taking pictures inside the church. It was as if you did not want any vestige of modern technology to tarnish the aura that it had.
I won't even attempt to describe the stuctures that were inside the church. Leave alone my inability I would say it is not something that can be potrayed by language or any other medium of communication that man has designed for himself. Life in Paris had fallen into a routine college and then back home and then the inevitable and incredible drudgery of cooking.
I was reading in some tourist guide that Paris is a myth. I can't help but agree. Its a perfect blend of the modern technological and its past history. Isn't beauty such a strange thing. It has the power to draw you out of whatever state you are in and fill your heart with oodles and oodles of enthusiasm, happiness , joy , ecstasy and ...
I really envy the people who are able to create beauty.
What was rather ironic was that I decided to leave the church early because I had some routine work in a bank, which rather fitfully was also not completed. I am so far away from leaving with the " quality" that had so inspired me in "Zen and the Art of... ".

Paris!!!!!!!!!!!......an unfinished piece...

2006-09-27T03:53:00.000+05:30

The excitement conveyed by the title is no longer there. It doesn't take long to get used to things, yes even Paris. In the two weeks I've been here I've experienced a mixture of absolute delight, exhiliration, joy, amazement, bewilderness and weariness too. Although the last feeling is one which can't be entirely attributed to the city. There were times in the past two weeks that i felt like writing but i wasn't able to.Lets not go into the specifivs about why not suffice to say a few mundane techinical issues. And when i was sitting in front of the internet, I always thought well surely not now...lets wait for the right moment. Anyway i've really got used to writing and couldn't wait any longer. This is still not the "right moment" but lets see if I can do justice to the city.

I've seen quite a few cities from the view that is afforded when the plane circles around before beginning its final descent. Other than the Calcutta , Delhi and Bangalore I also got the chance to get a so to say bird's eye view of Istanbul thanks to the stop over flight. But none of them and I have to stress this none of them prepared me for what I would view when I was straining to see outside the window (I had the middle seat) once the seatbelts lights flickered on. The city looks absolutely amazing from the top. The entire layout was well to put it simply just different. It was enough to put life into me and to the rest of us travel weary souls (the jetlag and the waiting time in the Istanbul airport really gets to you

The first few days were absolutely thrilling. I got up by myself at 8 in the morning without an alarm (for me its an achievement). I took

Yes finally I ran !!!!!!!!

2006-08-21T19:40:00.000+05:30

I love running. There is no other way to put it. While writing this post I tried to put those three words in a shall we say slightly less prosaic way , but my feelings are best captured by those three words. And I probably wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for a friend of mine. She told me that if I love running so much why don't I just do it. We have a field in our college campus so if you come to think of it there is seriously not much effort required to be put in. I didn't do it the day she told me because somehow the idea seemed very so fantastic to me. I mean how can you just go and run. I slept over it and thought well why not. I could furnish you with a thousand and one excuses for not doing it . I mean how can one just run alone, the people around will think I am a lunatic and so on and so forth.
I think I should clarify here that when I mean run I mean sprinting , not jogging. I used to love doing it on sports day in school and then after a rather long break in the inter b school meet in our college last year.
Its a really great feeling. Leave aside the elation you feel when you break the tape (yes I have tasted success in my shall we say "athletic" career). When you are participating in a tournament and just before the final race is about to start the tension is palpalble. Its just the feeling that the next 3 seconds can decide who go goes home to the ticker tape parade ( I am putting it a bit grandly here) and who well has to settle for a second place or a third place or well any other standing for that matter. There might seem to be an inherent contradiction in what I am saying. Actually I am venturing into territory that I would not like to go now.
(Whoever says the life of a MBA student is easy!!!).
There's a lot more left to say......but thanks to my roomie and metallica you people are let off easy ;)

2006-08-15T15:10:00.000+05:30

Two recent and rather diverse experiences have made me realize or rather convince me further that my idea and initial conscious effort to live life with "quality" (please refer "the Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance"-- it’s too huge and I do not consider myself capable to explain it properly) was a step in the right direction.
The first was the movie "Blow". Based on a true story of how a boy, played by Johnny Depp, from a relatively staid and financial mediocre background gets lured in to the thrills and riches on offer in the drugs trade. In spite of being apprehended by the law and having undergone the rigors of imprisonment his enthusiasm for his profession remains unabated. But it is the last job, one done so that he can be with his daughter---who meant the world to him---, where his luck runs out. His partners conspire against him and he is finally landed with a 60 year sentence of imprisonment. There is one scene where in his childhood he goes along with his dad when he files for bankruptcy. In response to his son's question that why things are going so wrong his dad replies that money is not everything. The advice goes unheeded and they show how in the last few scenes , the last 5 mins in my advice served to make the movie from "very good" to sublime , Johnny Depp's character writes a letter to his dad about his finally realizing the true meaning of the advice . Before I give a free reign to my thoughts I will recount the second experience.
Independence Day was celebrated in our college and the flag hoisting ceremony was scheduled for 7:20 am. We have two residence programs in our college. One being the PGP program (Post Gradate Program) where the participants are mainly freshers from college or software professionals with 1 or 2 years work experience. The other program is the NMP (National Management Program) where the participants are middle level managers from various PSU's and the average age could be pegged at around 32 for these people. Why I mention the age I will come to shortly. The turnout for this event from the PGP people was relatively thin as compared to the NMP participants.
Finally I have been able to describe to my satisfaction the two experiences .So where am I going with all this. Why do you think that all these middle aged men took pains to turn up at 7:20 in the morning while their younger counterparts preferred the comforts of their beds? When George Dung (the protagonist in "Blow”) writes about finally realizing that ‘money isn’t everything’ and that he has been chasing a lie for the better part of his life you realize that have they gone through their lives without thinking or pondering about why they were doing whatever it is that they were engaged in. And surely they must have suppressed the inner voice, not that of conscious, but that of their instinct troubling them. In the movie they show that at one time, in an effort to justify his profession to his father George Jung tells him “Dad I am really good at this”. Pat comes the reply “son you would have been good at anything that you took up”. So maybe whatever it is that, most of us are engaged in now (and I talk of those who have not discovered their “true calling” shall we say---- Sachin Tendulkar may have been born to play cricket but I most certainly was not born to become an engineer or an MBA and I’m sure most of my friends will have similar thoughts about their occupation) is not really because we are “really good” at it, as we would want others and most importantly ourselves to believe.
So what way is there to get out of the quandary. As in how can one really say that what he or she is doing is really is his/her “true calling”. I guess there is no real objective criterion that can be followed. But whatever we derive pleasure from doing and not from the consequences/rewards of carrying /not carrying out can be considered a step in the right direction.
It’s a good feeling, and I can say this for most people, to attend a flag hoisting ceremony. The feeling that accompanies the singing of the national anthem is hard to describe, but suffice to say that is indeed an enriching experience. When exactly will life offer us another chance to experience this is for any one to guess. But how many of my fellow PGP participants thought about this. Is this not the way most of us go through life, without giving it too much thought, without wanting to deviate from the status quo. And as we grow older, we tend to realize this which would be , in my opinion the reason for the increased attendance of the NMP batch. Why let go of opportunities to experience something rare that life throws at us. That too for a few extra hours of sleep, or for the pleasure of a booze session with friends the previous night.

2006-08-03T12:57:00.000+05:30

How difficult is it to do something that you don't want to....or rather is it possible to evoke interest in something which till a few moments back you were contemplating with dread...well i certainly beleive it to be possible...because here I am writing something..when i have to give an assignment at 6 p.m today....
Often it gives me a lot of pleasure in doing things which are quite inconsequential....but as i was writing this blog..i was interrupted by a student from germany....and I just got a feelign ..that he or if I do generalize...ted to question things more....whereas out here..are we not too consumed into doing whatever is handed down to us...in a better way than our peers....which brings me to the question..is cut throat competition always a good thing..we are so proud of how competitive our entrance exams to IIT and IIM are...but doesn't this mad rush to compete to do better than others ...somehow weaken the questioning spirit within us....I ay this because even in such great institutes the scope of a student to choose what he wants to study is very limited....he just studies what he is told to...does not think why he is...maybe this is the reason that we see a few drop outs from these colleges...
while we are on this topic..another thing comes to mind.....out here are we not always to eager to succeed...and this success is measured by how fast we are able to complete our degrees and get into the coveted job.....any breaks that we take is frowned upon by society...have we ever heard of any student taking a year off...lets say between his engineering ..because it is just not meant for him..maybe he would like to find a more apt calling for himself....i've totally lost the thread..so will end here....

2006-07-14T23:11:00.000+05:30

Even if you have to pen a few lines down...it becomes very difficult when your heart is not in it. The task I had set out to do was just to give a suitable introduction to what I will be placing below. Yes placing and not writing...its actually an assignment that we had to do called the "directed daydreaming technique" where you get to know your hidden or rather suppressed feelings , emotions , motives,beliefs et al . I do realize that whenever one hears about knowing oneself better a certain amount of "been there done that " attitude begins to creep into our thinking. Well I must as a disclaimer say that what will follow is very much my takeaway and should not in any way seen as representative of the technique I mentioned above. The reason I say this is because I do not want anyone getting the wrong impression about the technique from what I write.

I just realized that my assignment would not make much sense unless a description of the daydream technique is given. However at the risk of sounding arrogant I must say that I really don't have the energy to do that. ( Lot of material on google..won't take more that 2 minutes to find out ) . So without any further ado...

Before I begin I take the liberty to include two quotes which I found very apt to what we experienced in the class and seek to accomplish through this write up.

"Affectus, qui passio est, desinit esse passio simulatque eius claram et distinctam formamus ideam." Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.--- 'Ethics'. Spinoza

"Infected minds to their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets; more needs she the divine than the physician."--- 'Macbeth'. Shakespeare

House
Exterior:
The house which we were all required to draw was a symbol which depicts our own self. In my picture I had drawn the house as a farm with a fence and children playing, a horse tied to a pole and a man drawing water from a well. The farm was one with plenty of open space and it could be likened to how I’m very receptive to new ideas. It also shows how I am not affected by past prejudices while considering something new. The house also had a lot empty spaces and that might mean that my life is not yet as rich with experiences as it could have been.
The two children playing could imply that I still look upon myself as a child. This could be a way of mine to avoid facing the fact that I have matured and have my own life with its associated responsibilities separate from my that of my parents. It could also mean a moderation of the above statement in which the children would denote I like to linger on in my childhood as a way of sometimes cutting of or becoming unconscious to the feeling and emotions of the present.
The wooden fence that I have would mean that I like to keep my personal space to myself and don’t open up too easily in front of everyone. It would also imply that I would like to clearly demarcate things which come under my sphere of influence or things which I am interested in from things which I cannot control or influence in anyway or repose any interest in.
The horse tied to the fence depicts a kind of struggle to break free from the constraints imposed by life. It would reflect on my carefree attitude and a need for often giving a lot of latitude to myself and to my thoughts. It also means that what I am chiefly involved in presently is something that does not appeal totally to me.
The person drawing water from the well shows that I am in search of something. It would mean that I am trying to find out my true calling , what would satisfy and fulfill me the most beyond any other occupation.
Now the last two scenarios clubbed together could mean that although I am not particularly happy with what I am doing now , I am yet to find out what I really desire to do.

Interior:
The interior of the house shows a lobby with an old couple sitting on wicker chairs near the fireplace. There is also a table there which can seat 8 people and there is also another children’s bedroom shown with toys on the bed. The fireplace clearly shows that I come across as a warm person with people that I like and am close to. It could also signify my need for warmth from the people that are dear to me. The old couple (who in this case were meant to be the grand parents of the children playing ) portray my affection for some of the traits that they embody. The old people are the ones who are generally not rushed , who are able to live life every moment instead of madly rushing towards one goal after another. They are also the people who derive joys from the little things in life and are much more easily pleased than the young are now. Thus the wish I have to be able to imbibe similar values and feelings in my life is shown by the depiction of the couple.
The table which can seat eight people show how important my family is to me. Thus the entire setting of the lobby shows I hold whatever time I get to spend with my family with very high value.
The children’s room again reaffirms a longing for the simple and uncomplicated life I had in my youth. Specially the toys strewn across the bed is a symbol for the freedom and lack of constraints that the children enjoy and my desire for the above.

Inhabitants
The creatures which had inhabited the house were a horse, a cow, a dog and three chickens. The inhabitants are supposed to reflect the needs, emotions, desires and feelings and any conflicts that arise from the same.
The horse represents the need of freedom to go out and follow your inner voice , to do what makes me feel happy and to be at one with what I do. It would also portray dependability wherein it brings to light my need to be seen as a dependable person who can handle responsibilities. The horse is also associated with speed , physical and mental, and in my case it highlights how I feel about myself ,not only as a swift sprinter but also as a quick thinker. It is also a well admired creature and it could be mapped to my desire as well as feeling of being admired by people.
The cow is a very stable and well respected creature. Thus the need of respect is shown in this instance. Also the cow holds a certain importance in any establishment and the need for importance is reflected in this. Cows are also normally seen grazing in a field by itself and the desire to have more time for oneself to thing about things can be also traced to this animal.
The dog is a very good companion and thus we see that I have a very high regard and feeling for a companion who will be beside me through trying times. A dog is also universally well loved and approved of and my need for the approval of people and society in general of the things that I do is brought out here. Dogs are also supposed to be attached to few people and my need of being close to a select few people can be seen here. Dogs are normally seen as being dutiful which would mean my sincerity towards
The chickens would essentially point to the fun loving nature of me and my desire to have a good laugh and try and enjoy things. The number three is one that has a lot of personnel significance in my life being at once associated with events of a highly tragic nature as well as events of a relatively lesser joyous nature. Thus we can say that it points to some kind of fear or insecurity that exists within me that the times which I enjoy myself will always be ephemeral.

Conflicts
The conflict between the creatures was essentially between the dog and the chickens. We see that this is actually the classical conflict between the duty we feel we have towards our occupation and our desire to follow our heart and do what pleases us and makes us happy. The advice which I had proffered to resolve the conflict between the creatures was that the dog should allow the chickens to play around whenever they like. This shows that I feel that I should be ,giving myself or rather making more time in the face of pressures arising from mundane matters, more time to follow my heart and instinct.

Advice of the “wise” man
The wise man which I had characterized not by an old person but as a young man full of life was as follows :
Whatever you do in life try and do it with a lot of “care”. Only then will you do it “good” and this “good” you will realize yourself , you won’t need the opinion of some other person. Try always to be at one with whatever you do and you will lead a happy and contented life.
From the above it follows that I want to become a person who not only enjoys and is fully conscious of the present , but who tries to immerse himself in whatever is that he had involved himself in . Thus although the occupation may not be to his liking there is a lot of pleasure to be derived from doing things well , and this well would essentially imply doing them in such a manner that I am satisfied. Thus if we follow this approach to life , we will be living every moment –getting something out of every moment—and thus achieve the state of happiness.

If you have been able to reach till here...I promise that future posts will be less haphazard...and keep watching this space :)

2006-07-06T09:21:00.000+05:30

My first post. I had thought about what to write for quite some time and well what I guess the best part of writing is that it just hits you. You can keep on thinking about it and it won't come but that one small incident may just open the flood gates. I guess for me the blog is just a way to express a lot of thoughts, feelings, experiences ,interpretations (the list goes on) that I am not able to discuss.
Today we had a football match, the first one of a very ambitiously conceived tournament, with the junior batch. Although we were the better side by far if you talk in terms of skill (thanks to 3 exchange students in our team) we lost the match. Now why did that happen ? The rest of us (both sides included ) couldn't really play that well to make a difference ...get a result. Yet inspite of being one up we allowed them to pull level and finally get the better of us in penalties. Maybe because none of us really took responsibility and this came to the fore particularly in the penalties when no one was willing to step forward to take the kick. Sometimes we get so involved in ensuring that we are in the clear ( covering our backs..) that we let opportunities pass us by. I know that the first reaction of most people is to do just like I mentioned , but then we as MBA's are trained to shall we say "lead ".
Now have you ever wondered why MBA's are generally disparaged by so many people. That is because we are reluctant to change as a person in the course of the program. Infact we do not feel the program demands it. Are the dry concepts of finance and operations the only shall we say "real"thing that we have as a takeaway (along with the almost essential skill of making ppt's and being comfortable in suits and ties in very warm weather that is ) .A lot of people think so , infact feel a lot of pride in thinking about it that way (MBA demystified eh...) . I guess behind this thought process is the need most people have to define things , to have things clear cut. We are not comfortable with letting things be. For them to take shape as we move along.
I don't know how well I was able to structure things, but well things can only get better isn't it (at least I certainly hope so ).